Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Look Who's Talking

I’ve been reminiscing a lot these past few weeks, trying to put the vignettes of my life into some kind of chronological sequence, if only to remember the little details that have been squeezed under what they call ‘cold-hard-facts’. But the truth is in the details.

With the anniversary of my brother’s death, Sept. 9th, and thoughts about life and death swirling in my mind, trying to write about it is difficult. I still can’t bring myself to put it down on paper.

Instead and apart from, the slowly dissolving issues of guilt, fear, and loss, I’ve found myself trying to contemplate the question of why we are here, that ‘meaning of life’ conundrum. I’ve reached the conclusion that everything is ridiculous and meaningless, and all a complete illusion…I will probably revise this stance next week.

After lately being thrust into yet another new world-of-work, where the people all around me, the people I work with daily, have literal blood on their hands due to it being the medical profession, I am still finding it difficult to adjust from advertising via international (corrupt) banking through to paediatrics and (murder-on-demand) gynaecology.

The abortion clinic (and it is an abortion clinic because the ratio of terminations to births is approximately twenty to one), has made me lose faith (what little I had) in humanity’s future, and shaken me to my core.

A good friend tells me I shouldn’t judge, and to think that the poor baby may have had a terrible life. I know this, I don’t want to judge, but I simply can’t help it. As I see girls/women of all ages and races walking in and out the clinic on a daily basis, I know some of them have no choice, be it health reasons or otherwise.

I also see women who act as if they are having a hair-cut, other women returning on a regular basis and changing their ‘preference’ between staying pregnant or ‘dropping it this month’, as it is called often.

Another friend tells me I am naïve and know nothing of the world, and tells me not to be so shocked that so many women are having abortions weekly, and that it is the way of the world.

When I see a women selling her baby girl for Euros 3000 (in cash) and walking out with a smile on her face, or the old man that brings his 'maid’ to be ‘sorted out’ on the hush-hush, or the student that is selling her eggs, and doesn’t feel too good today… I am sickened to my stomach… I am angry… and I am judging.

I knew the huge salary I was getting from my old employers was ‘blood money’ and the ill-gotten-gains of the money-laundering and gun running rackets of the Middle East. It was money probably garnered because someone somewhere got shot in the head. I was disgusted with myself but I took the money anyway, and pretended that I was a bimbo and naïve and knew nothing about the world.

Nowadays, I eat birthday cake, while the ‘congratulations balloons’ hover above my office door, and a doctor hands me a piece of paper with a bloodstained edge.

Maybe it wasn’t pretence after all.


LVB said...

Very well said, Marty.

It takes courage to say and face up to these things, and I admire you for that.

It's certainly not the only business with blood on its hands, but it is an especially troubling one, to me anyway...and apparently to you, as well.

I hope you'll find some peace of mind when you're able to leave this business behind one day. Yes,
someone else will keep doing it, but you won't have to live with their choices and what they've been a part of - you are only responsible for your own choices.

Keep up the great writing. :)

... said...

Thanks LVB, your encouragement is a real help.
In fact - I even tell people about you!

It's just plain weird how synchronicity works. Each discussion is bringing back memories of things I want to write about (and tell people).

Today I looked at a garbage bag with the 'biohazard' symbol on it -
Its a bag with the aftermath of 'you-know-what' inside. I actually worked for the company that supplied the bags and picks them up (used) each day.

Its a rather disgusting post I want to write, but it will have disturbing details of the truth of what goes on..at least in this country. I'm sure you're familiar with the film 'Soylent Green'...well I am about to horrify everyone with what I know goes on.

venusinpieces said...

Hi Marie,
Sorry to hear about everything that goes on in your place of employment.
To be honest, my feelings about the reproductive process are a big part of what led me towards a belief that we are living in a fallen universe. It is tempting to judge people who get abortions, yet look at the alternative. During the Middle ages
approximately one in five women died in childbirth. And without abortion, many women would still be dying. Why does something as beautiful as human romance result in something as ugly as abortion
or traumatic childbirth? Because, realistically, both abortion and childbirth are nearly always traumatic experiences.
I am forced to conclude that this is a problem of design. It is a problem as troubling as that of the food chain, where predation and death are the rule and not the exception. But lately I have come to believe that the physical world, although flawed, also holds the keys to our eventual enlightenment and release from the karmic prison. Think tantra, holistic healing modalities like ayurveda, even sustainable design systems like permaculture. But it is certainly beyond challenging to remember that when living in a traumatic environment. Girls who act like they're getting a haircut? disturbing. I can promise you that these girls are in an extreme state of dissociation, having walled themselves off from the pain long ago. It doesn't mean that they aren't suffering. I would worry about you first, since being around that kind of environment on a day to day basis has got to take a serious toll. It definitely would for me. If I could make a suggestion I would really recommend a trained homeopathist, because homeopathy is able to release old traumas in really amazing ways in order so that the patient can heal. It is a very gentle therapy and I have been using it successfully to treat post traumatic stress and other problems. Anyways, it's a thought. take care out there.

... said...

Venus, thanks for your comments. I think I'm coping okay with things so far. Recently more unethical events were taking place in the clinic - for example - one of our receptionists is quite friendly with the doctor that does the majority of abortions...get this...She asked if she COULD WATCH ONE BEING PERFORMED...AND HE SAID YES! She put on all the gear required for the theatre - when asked by the patient who she was, she told me the Doctor said she was a 'MEDICAL STUDENT'. She watched the abortion and seemed totally 'un-affected' by it...I felt like I was living in the 18th century for a minute - You know, those stories about the history of medicine that we learn at school, disections, watching a professor with a cadaver etc...I can't report it because if I do, no doubt I will lose MY job and - I'm ashamed to say it - I can't afford to be out of work again right now!
I dont know WHY I keeop finding myself in this position!

Lenci said...

Wow Marty! A medical student inspired receptionist is a scary thought especially when knowing her hidden agenda was to simply “see” the procedure. I agree that it is utterly repulsive and disgusting to say the least. I am appalled!!!! What’s even more redundant is that China actually aborts babies when the 2 child limitation is forfeited. Regardless of the parents’ desire to keep their third child, it is aborted and added to the endless realm of baby heaven.

You’re working there for a reason Marty. Only God can show you the purpose for which you’re employed there; if nothing more than to share your story with others via this blog. You’ve definitely inspired me to continue to advocate AGAINST abortion. Just hold fast in knowing another door will open for you. Be blessed.


... said...

Lenci - hello! Yes, I never really thought about he abortion question much, but working at this place has gotten me to re-evaluate a lot of my beliefs. You are right I believe when you say that I must be there for a reason...it seems I am constantly finding myself in the strangest (for me, most ironic) places which lead me to ever more re-evaluate myself!